Wanted: Bassist, Dead or Alive
posted by blaise on Sep-02-2003 at 05:27 PM
Popular Sporker Mark Newman has finally been proclaimed "missing" after fellow band members issued a statement today asking anyone who has seen the bassist to call the band's "Find Newman" hotline.
"He went to Ethiopia like normal, same thing every summer, but this year...well, he never came back," Sporker Blaise St. Amand said.
The remaining and/or surviving band members said it wasn't unlike Newman to be out of communication for months at a time, but with the final chapter in the Lord of the Rings saga less than 4 months away, it was strange that he should stay away so long.
"I would have expected him to at least send an e-mail or a post card letting us know he was okay and that advanced tickets to Return of the King would probably go on sale around Thanksgiving," St. Amand said.
The band said it would be difficult to press on without Newman, one of the founders of the group, but they have signed a lamp to sit in on any gigs they book during his absence. Anyone with knowledge of Newman's whereabouts can contact Spork at sporkintheroad@earthlink.net or call (888) WHER-R-HE*.
"We don't really suspect foul play. My best guess is laziness. But we haven't ruled out a worm hole in the space time contiuum. Or foul play," St. Amand said.
*Operators are not standing by, and this number likely will not work. If it does work, and you say you have information regarding the disappearance of Mark Newman, the answering party will likely hang up. However, it is a toll-free call.
