The Nefarious Dr. Sporctopus
posted by blaise on Jun-26-2004 at 09:21 AM
Spork bassist Mark Newman will now have to defend himself in court against charges that he is a criminal mastermind with designs on ruling the world.
The alleged world-ruling ambition was brought to the FBI's attention after a routine government scan of alt-rock-funk band e-mails.
"What we found was not only disturbing, but threatening to the very core of our American democracy," FBI Director Robert Mueller (or someone who looked very much like Mueller) said.
In the e-mail, Newman explains that "Sometimes I wish we were a supervillain." He then goes on to say that, "When a supervillian plays, people listen. Or else they die."
The use of the word "we" has baffled investigators, who are attempting to reconcile the misuse of plural pronouns and singular nouns in the sentence.
And until Newman's intentions, be they world-conquering boasting or simply poetic conjecture, are revealed, the bassist will be held under house arrest...and that house will be a maximum security prison.
Asked to comment, Sporker Blaise St. Amand would say only that he regretted the decision. "You take Pedro out after that first hit, and it's likely the Sox are in the World Series...from there, it's anybody's guess because the Marlins were on a roll, but...what's that? Newman's in jail? Yes, well, I've always suspected him of whatever crime he's committed."
Court TV paid millions to broadcast the trial, which has been dubbed "The Case of the Maniacal Bass."